New Day

[croneitude]

There were many signs today that the timing was auspicious to begin this new journal. It was the first day of the month, the first day of the fiscal year, the first day of my new (but not-so-new) job, the cliched but very real first day of the rest of my life. And I heard this song on the radio. It all fit, so here I am.

A few days ago I returned from a trip to see my family -- the annual pilgrimage to bring my kids to see the grandparents.  We also spent a good deal of time with my 96 year old great grandmother.  Each time I go I find that she has become more and more bitter and angry and difficult to be around.  At one point my 6 year old son was being difficult in the way that 6 year old boys can be, and pitching a fit in a restaurant about something seemingly unimportant to us adults, but clearly crucial to his well being.  She turned to him and warned that he better stop because, "The restaurant locks bad boys like you down in the basement until they behave."  Then, she couldn't understand why he didn't want to sit next to her anymore.  

I love my grandmother, and understand that some of her behavior comes from the very real knowledge that her physical time on this earth is coming to an end.  She has fears, regrets, sadnesses.  However, I also know that she's always been bitter.  She has always scared 6 year old boys, and she scared me when I was young.  That is her way of interacting with the world.

I returned from my trip with a strong, new (but not-so-new) goal for my life:  I do not want to be a bitter older woman, or a bitter younger woman either.  I want to be a joyful, creative, and effervescent crone with attitude.  It seems to me that I'm on a path towards that goal, and this feels good. 

I'm going to keep my croneitude friends-only for now, but give a knock if you want to come in.  I promise not to scare you.

Comments

[duccio.livejournal.com]

You don't scare me.

[croneitude.livejournal.com]

If I tried hard enough I might.

[abendstille.livejournal.com]

great stuff! all the best with this new journal and your new life!
blessings and love

[croneitude.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad you are here.

[desear.livejournal.com]

i'm here!

i love this song and nina. :) all the best on this new adventure.

[croneitude.livejournal.com]

Yay! I added you to the list.

matron elders are a constant theme for me

[zuma.livejournal.com]

http://zuma.vip.warped.com/oldwoman.txt

watch this old, old woman clean & fill her pipe. do you see
the decades of practice, experience, & skill? do you see her
reverence? do you see the extended depths of her mind? do you
see the size & shape of her life in the simple act?

watch carefully now to see what she does w/ the wheel of the
stone. she brings the totality of her affection together w/ the
totality of her intellect & takes this then as clay & spins it
upon the wheel & molds it w/ heightened intuition. she's
addressing the cardinal of the town, giving him astounding
attention, labor, & useful product. the cardinal is a fool &
probably won't recognize one least bit of the worth of what
he'll receive.

look about her & her room. see the fewness of what's there.
look about each facet of each item. see the clear necessity of
each. in her own south american way, she's as much a buddhist
as anyone. see the maturity about her, grown w/ care over
decades. bonsai grace. look at her great & intense
understanding of death.

years & years ago, she lost herself in the purity of her life.
i find her to be absolutely amazing. because i have such a
long, long way to go.

two months ago, i brought her a drawing. she gazed at it for a
few minutes & then felt the paper & the lines upon it. she
placed it down & arose. she prepared some salt water &
instilled it w/ a drop of iodine. she then soaked the drawing
in it. when it had been thoroughly soaked & then thoroughly
dried, she briefly baked it in low heat. the result of her
actions astonished me. (her actions alone did that. that she
would treat my gift to such irreparable change slightly shocked
me at first.) the result of her actions showed me the drawing
in ways that i hadn't the least clue of before. depth & form w/
an electric patina that exhibited it's inner life, the drawing
was freed of it's raw & unborn state. it functioned. moved &
breathed w/ life, it's own skillful life. she saw my reaction &
touched me upon the forehead much in the same fashion as she
had the lines on the paper. i learned from that touch. what i
learned i am still as yet trying to understand & articulate.

watch this woman as often as you can. she's always seemed to
me like she might not be w/ us long despite her seeming great
inner strength & the surprising vigor she has despite her age,
like her time is extremely valuable & she is spending it on us
as if that to her was the wisest & best thing she could do w/
it. my suggestion is to respect that possibility deeply & to
watch her very, very carefully.

i do not know her name & have never heard her speak a word.

Re: matron elders are a constant theme for me

[croneitude.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[croneitude.livejournal.com]

I'm so pleased we are both back here again. Not that I ever really left, but I was stagnant in my old journal. It feels like the new space will be much more productive.

[lahermite.livejournal.com]

i don't want to be bitter, either, although i don't necessarily have any desires not to scare children... ;)
oxo

[croneitude.livejournal.com]

It might make my life easier if I were better able to scare my children. Oh well.

[lahermite.livejournal.com]

i don't scare mine at all, but other people's kids can be rather unsure of me, dependent on age! with mine, i've taken to threatening them with terrible pain, torture and death. things that they know i'll never actually do. like hanging them by their toes from the washing line so the buzzards can peck their eyes out. the more ludicrous the punishment i come up with, the more the negativity of the situation is diffused. i'm not sure most people would get it, though *chuckles*.

btw, i love the new name! coming into the 40s is so much different than i ever expected. so much more difficult, and yet, really, so much easier than the preceding ages. cronehood is right around the corner. that's amusing, terrifying, and exhilarating all at the same time. i look forward to traveling at least a little of it with you on this here lj. *hug*

[kyana.livejournal.com]

great to see this! i just finished a book by jean bolen (i have to check her name to be sure) called Crones Don't Whine. it was a reminder to me of how i want to be and how i DON'T want to be (as i'm well into my crone years!)

[croneitude.livejournal.com]

That's a great title. I'll have to check out the book. I'm glad you are here.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

You will have a glorious adventure!

[croneitude.livejournal.com]

It feels like the right timing. I'm looking forward to reading of your new adventures as well.

[randy-byers.livejournal.com]

Happy first day of a new journal! I don't think I've ever scared anyone.

[croneitude.livejournal.com]

Have you scared yourself?

[randy-byers.livejournal.com]

Alas, it's true.

[auntysocial.livejournal.com]

Croneitude! What a great name! I like reading about your great-grandmother. Being scary is one way to cope, and perhaps she chose it when she was young. I can't imagine living 96 years, but who knows, perhaps I will.

[croneitude.livejournal.com]

She's still in okay health given her age -- it seems to be her spirit that is suffering. I can't imagine living 96 years either. What a long, long time.

[waitsfortherain.livejournal.com]

It makes me happy to go on being your LiveJournal friend. For lots of reasons I haven't been posting much, but I have always cherished your presence on my friends page. All the best in the new phase of your extraordinary journal.

[croneitude.livejournal.com]

I'm so pleased that you are continuing along with me!