New Day

[croneitude]

There were many signs today that the timing was auspicious to begin this new journal. It was the first day of the month, the first day of the fiscal year, the first day of my new (but not-so-new) job, the cliched but very real first day of the rest of my life. And I heard this song on the radio. It all fit, so here I am.

A few days ago I returned from a trip to see my family -- the annual pilgrimage to bring my kids to see the grandparents.  We also spent a good deal of time with my 96 year old great grandmother.  Each time I go I find that she has become more and more bitter and angry and difficult to be around.  At one point my 6 year old son was being difficult in the way that 6 year old boys can be, and pitching a fit in a restaurant about something seemingly unimportant to us adults, but clearly crucial to his well being.  She turned to him and warned that he better stop because, "The restaurant locks bad boys like you down in the basement until they behave."  Then, she couldn't understand why he didn't want to sit next to her anymore.  

I love my grandmother, and understand that some of her behavior comes from the very real knowledge that her physical time on this earth is coming to an end.  She has fears, regrets, sadnesses.  However, I also know that she's always been bitter.  She has always scared 6 year old boys, and she scared me when I was young.  That is her way of interacting with the world.

I returned from my trip with a strong, new (but not-so-new) goal for my life:  I do not want to be a bitter older woman, or a bitter younger woman either.  I want to be a joyful, creative, and effervescent crone with attitude.  It seems to me that I'm on a path towards that goal, and this feels good. 

I'm going to keep my croneitude friends-only for now, but give a knock if you want to come in.  I promise not to scare you.